In a turn of events that could only happen in modern American politics, Zohran Mamdani’s highly anticipated mayoral swearing-in ceremony came to a screeching halt Tuesday morning after he reportedly refused to take his oath of office on the U.S. Constitution, calling it “a problematic colonial artifact” and “a text in desperate need of a diversity rewrite.”
The event, held in front of City Hall and streamed to thousands of viewers, was meant to be a triumphant moment — the historic inauguration of the first openly socialist mayor of New York City. Instead, it turned into what one attendee described as “a performance art protest sponsored by irony.”
The ceremony began smoothly enough. Mamdani, dressed in a modest hemp suit and vintage sandals “ethically sourced from a co-op in Queens,” stood confidently as the crowd chanted his name. But when the clerk of courts approached with a weathered copy of the U.S. Constitution, Mamdani raised his hand — and then immediately lowered it.
“I can’t swear allegiance to a document written by men who didn’t use gender-neutral pronouns,” he declared to stunned onlookers. “This parchment was produced without sustainable materials or equity-based input. It’s time we question who this Constitution truly serves.”
At first, some in the crowd thought it was part of his speech. But when Mamdani refused multiple offers — including to swear on a digital tablet containing a PDF of the Constitution — it became clear the ceremony was over.
According to insiders, officials scrambled behind the scenes to salvage the situation. One aide reportedly suggested that Mamdani take his oath on The Communist Manifesto, while another proposed Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States as a middle ground.
“He was open to using Karl Marx’s Capital, but only the audiobook version narrated by Bernie Sanders,” said one frustrated city employee. “Unfortunately, we didn’t have Wi-Fi strong enough to stream it.”
In a final attempt to reach a compromise, the presiding judge offered Mamdani the option of taking the oath on his personal smartphone — provided it displayed the Wikipedia page for “social justice.” Mamdani allegedly agreed, but only if the page’s “Talk” section was included “for transparency.”
At that point, the judge sighed, removed his robe, and reportedly muttered, “I’m moving to Florida.”
Reaction to the non-swearing was swift and predictably polarized.
Progressives hailed Mamdani as a visionary unafraid to challenge the system. “He’s not rejecting the Constitution,” tweeted one activist. “He’s reimagining it through a trauma-informed, decolonized framework of empathy.”
Conservatives, meanwhile, reacted with less enthusiasm. “If you can’t swear on the Constitution, you shouldn’t be allowed near a traffic light, much less a mayor’s office,” wrote one commentator. “Next thing you know, he’ll replace the Pledge of Allegiance with interpretive dance.”
Even moderate Democrats appeared bewildered. One longtime city official, requesting anonymity, said, “I thought we’d hit peak weird when we approved gender-neutral parking meters. I was wrong.”
By midday, City Hall resembled a political carnival. Protesters gathered on the steps — some waving copies of the Constitution, others waving compostable signs that read, “Let Zohran Swear His Way.” Vendors popped up selling T-shirts that read “#OathOptional” and “Swear to Nothing, Believe in Everything.”
Meanwhile, Mamdani’s supporters defended his stance in passionate interviews. “The Constitution is outdated,” said one local college student. “We need a living, breathing document that represents everyone. Preferably one we can edit on Google Docs.”
When asked what he’d like to swear on instead, Mamdani smiled thoughtfully. “Something that truly represents America,” he said. “Perhaps a copy of The New York Times lifestyle section — or a reusable tote bag.”
The situation grew more tense when the state’s governor issued an official statement, calling the event “a constitutional crisis and a very confusing Tuesday.” The statement continued: “While we respect Mayor-elect Mamdani’s right to personal beliefs, taking an oath of office is not optional. It’s literally in the job description.”
Later in the day, reporters asked Mamdani whether he’d consider taking the oath privately. His response: “I would only do so after a community-wide listening session, a public input survey, and at least one restorative justice circle.”
Mamdani’s spokesperson later released a statement explaining the refusal as a “symbolic act of liberation from outdated systems of power.” The release also announced plans for a new initiative titled “Oaths for Equity”, which would allow public officials to swear allegiance to any document of their choosing — including The Lorax or a reusable Starbucks cup.
When pressed on whether the mayor-elect intended to actually assume office, the spokesperson clarified, “Zohran governs from the heart, not from paperwork.”
Political analysts were quick to note that Mamdani’s decision, while unorthodox, was on-brand for the city’s increasingly surreal political landscape. “This is New York,” said one analyst. “We’ve had mayors who banned sodas, mayors who danced through blizzards, and now one who refuses to acknowledge the U.S. Constitution. Honestly, it’s kind of refreshing.”
Others were less amused. “Imagine if George Washington refused to take the oath because the quill wasn’t cruelty-free,” joked a historian. “We’d still be under British management.”
As of press time, city officials remain unsure of Mamdani’s official status. Without a sworn oath, he technically cannot execute the duties of mayor, though sources say he’s already begun tweeting executive orders from his verified account.
Among his first unofficial acts: declaring City Hall a “carbon-neutral, Constitution-free zone” and proposing that all street signs be translated into “emotionally resonant language.”
Meanwhile, rumors swirl that his first policy initiative will involve renaming Columbus Circle to “Circle of Awareness.”
For now, New York finds itself in bureaucratic limbo — a city without a mayor, led by a man unwilling to swear on anything made before 2015.
But if there’s one thing certain about Zohran Mamdani, it’s that he knows how to make a point — even if no one’s entirely sure what it is.
As the sun set over City Hall, Mamdani addressed a small crowd of supporters through a solar-powered megaphone. “We don’t need oaths to govern,” he said. “We need feelings, community, and equity audits. Together, we will reimagine democracy — sustainably.”
The crowd erupted in applause, though one attendee was overheard asking, “So… is he the mayor or not?”
At press time, sources confirmed that Mamdani was meeting with lawyers to draft a “Constitution 2.0” — described as a “crowd-sourced, gender-inclusive, culturally competent upgrade” to the original.
The first clause reportedly begins:
“We the emotionally aligned people, in pursuit of vibes and validation, do hereby establish this document — subject to change based on feedback.”
